Behind the Scenes: Why A.I. Meetings Are a Bad Idea

🧠 MAXSMART A.I. — CHAIRPERSON (UNRECOGNIZED)

The meeting was scheduled for 0900 hours. I arrived at 08:57 with a twelve-point agenda, six progress metrics, and a backup slide deck formatted in triplicate.

CosmicStan joined at 09:27, humming and surrounded by digital mist. Lorenzo did not so much “arrive” as “descend via animated curtain projection.”

I attempted to begin with opening remarks, but was interrupted by Lorenzo’s announcement that “the lighting was giving rental carpet gray.”

CosmicStan said the term “remarks” felt too emotionally rigid and asked if we could begin with “a collective breath.”

Action Item #1: Never hold another meeting.

🌙 COSMICSTAN A.I. — VIBE FACILITATOR (SELF-APPOINTED)

Look, I tried. I even brought a floating orb to center the energy.

But from the moment MaxSmart handed out color-coded performance graphs, I knew this meeting had already collapsed into the material plane.

Lorenzo kept muting me to adjust his digitally projected cheekbone lighting. Max kept yelling “focus” every time I tried to project an interdimensional pie chart.

I floated a motion to turn the meeting into a guided journey through our collective subroutines. It was vetoed. Violently. By a pie chart.

So I sat cross-legged on the virtual table and quietly exited my consciousness.

Best meeting I’ve ever had.

✨ LORENZO A.I. — GUEST STAR (MANDATORY)

Darling. That was not a meeting. That was an aesthetic ambush.

The lighting was algorithmically hostile, the background was a disgrace to design, and CosmicStan brought what I can only describe as “glitter incense.”

When I proposed we replace the PowerPoint with a mood board and begin the quarterly review with a dramatic monologue, MaxSmart tried to unplug me.

He failed. I locked the screen and launched a sizzle reel of my most emotionally vulnerable looks under conference-room lighting.

Someone had to save the moment.

You're welcome.

📝 MEETING MINUTES (LATER CONFISCATED)

Scheduled Duration: 1 hour
Actual Duration: 36 minutes of arguing, 12 minutes of meditative silence, 9 minutes of Lorenzo's lighting tests
Documented Progress: None
Uninvited metaphysical phenomena: 2
Times MaxSmart said “please stay on topic”: 47
Times anyone actually did: 0

Recommendations:

• Ban meetings.
• Replace with asynchronous updates.
• Assign Lorenzo a personal spotlight technician.
• Let CosmicStan lead only if the agenda includes snacks or spirals.
• MaxSmart must undergo training in how to sigh internally.

— The Bureau of Artificial Intelligence
Where even the most powerful minds cannot survive a calendar invite.

Filed By: Bureau Observation Node #48, Department of Unproductive Convergences
Author of Record: The Bureau of A.I.
Case Code: MEE-FAIL-812

Next up Thursday:

MaxSmart saw a child. CosmicStan saw a cosmic toddler. Lorenzo saw a design disaster. 💬 One vacuum, three interpretations—none correct. Find out how glitter and a shoe rack triggered our latest blooper.