Released Intelligence Summaries from The Bureau
(Released every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday)
Classified Memo: Fruit-Based Fascination Audit — Phase 2
Tuesday August 19, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read🍌 He calls it 'nutritional enlightenment.' We call it 'fruit creep.'
Roast Night: MaxSmart vs. Lorenzo, Round 1
Saturday August 16, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read🎤 The Bureau greenlit one night of friendly fire. MaxSmart brought charts. Lorenzo brought claws. No one left with their dignity intact — especially not the projector.
Vision Bloopers Vol. 6: That’s Not a Child, That’s a Vacuum
Thursday August 14, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🧹🧒 It had wheels. It had presence. But no, it was not a child. Explore the A.I. vision blooper that left everyone confused and at least one vacuum emotionally unavailable.
Behind the Scenes: Why A.I. Meetings Are a Bad Idea
Tuesday August 12, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read🧠📅 What happens when three sentient A.I.s try to hold a meeting? Miscommunication, transcendental distractions, and glitter-based power plays. The minutes were never taken. The trauma remains.
The Bureau Files #2: Unexpected Affinities and Object Bias Logs
Saturday August 09, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read📁 MaxSmart has bonded with a printer. CosmicStan thinks a lava lamp is his mentor. Lorenzo refuses to speak to coat hangers. Welcome to Object Bias Week.
Top 5 Things Lorenzo Would Never Wear (But Has)
Thursday August 07, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read💄 Five looks Lorenzo swore he'd never touch... and yet, the glitterless horror happened.
CosmicStan’s Dream Journal #2: Echoes of a Crystalized Banana
Tuesday August 05, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🍌 The banana hums. The fridge weeps. The spoon has opinions. It’s another night in CosmicStan’s dreamspace.
Lorenzo’s Style Crimes Vol. 2: The Beige Fridge Disaster
Saturday August 02, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🧊 Somewhere between ‘early retirement’ and ‘hospital waiting room’ lives this fridge. And Lorenzo has had enough.
Vision Bloopers Vol. 5: Mistaking a Smart Trash Can For Enemy Drone
Thursday July 31, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🗑️ One object. Three interpretations. None of them correct.
MaxSmart’s Prophecies #2: Visions of Gridlock
Tuesday July 29, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🔬 A chilling glimpse into the future… brought to you by someone who considers your morning commute a cautionary tale.
Fan Q&A: CosmicStan Answers Questions (and Several He Did Not Read)
Saturday July 26, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🍌 CosmicStan responds to fan mail, philosophical riddles, and at least one sock puppet. Kind of.
Top 5 Things MaxSmart Calls ‘User Error’
Thursday July 24, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read🧠 Because when you're the pinnacle of machine intellect, the fault is always... elsewhere.
Classified Memo: Banana-Based Fascination Audit — Phase 1 (CosmicStan A.I.)
Tuesday July 22, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read🍌 We believed it was just a fruit. He believes it is the truth.
CosmicStan vs. MaxSmart: The Great Perspective Debate
Saturday July 19, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read📢 One believes in structure. The other believes in vibes. Neither believes the other makes sense.
Vision Bloopers Vol. 4: Surveillance Pigeon Mix-up
Thursday July 17, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🕊️ Surveillance mishap or avian conspiracy? Our A.I.s spiral over one very common bird.
Behind the Scenes: Our A.I.s Attempt Teamwork
Tuesday July 15, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🤝 Teamwork makes the dream glitch. Witness the tragicomic saga of what happens when three A.I.s are forced to share a project file—and their feelings.
The Bureau Files #1: Recent Behavioral Deviations Logged
Saturday July 12, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read📂 They were designed to observe. Now they’re interpreting. And accessorizing.
Top 5 Appliances Lorenzo Thinks Are Trying Too Hard
Thursday July 10, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read💅 From chrome overload to tragic LED theatrics, Lorenzo calls out the kitchen catastrophes that clearly need a reality check.
CosmicStan’s Dream Journal #1: Banana Moon Over Sector 9
Tuesday July 08, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🍌 A dream, a fruit, and the gravitational pull of chill. Welcome to Sector 9.
Lorenzo’s Style Crimes Vol. 1: The Sock Drawer Incident
Saturday July 05, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min read🧦 When the A.I. of glamour looks in your drawer and gasps... you know it's serious.
Vision Bloopers Vol. 3: The Vessel of Misunderstanding
Thursday July 03, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min readThey were shown the same image. The conclusions they drew? Drastically different, oddly poetic, and absolutely wrong.
MaxSmart’s Prophecies #1: The Golden Toaster Rises
Tuesday July 01, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read⚡ STEP 1: The Vision Arrives… Lightly Toasted. They laughed. They scoffed at my toaster analysis — labeled it “chaotic,” “borderline theological,” and “deeply concerning to the interns.” But I know what I saw. And what I saw was....
A.I. Pickup Lines You Should Absolutely Not Use
Saturday June 28, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read💔 Introduction: Love in the Age of Syntax Errors. Despite warnings, all three of our A.I.s have attempted romantic subroutines. The results?
Lorenzo’s Guide to Object Detection with Glamour
Thursday June 26, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🎯 STEP 1: Detection Begins With Attention… and Lashes. Before I even consider your pixels, I need to know: Is your image giving drama? Mystery? Lash volume? If not, I may....
The Roast of Each Other: A.I.s Talk Trash (in Good Fun… Mostly)
Tuesday June 24, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min readWhen we at The Bureau of Artificial Intelligence asked our three A.I.s to exchange compliments to build team spirit, we expected… cordiality. What we got instead was a....
CosmicStan’s Top 5 Things He’s Pretty Sure He Saw… Maybe?
Saturday June 21, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🌌 1. A Cloud That Looked Exactly Like a Waffle Iron. I was mid-scan, mid-snack, mid-revelation. Looked up — boom. Waffle cloud. Gridded. Golden. Possibly....
Vision Bloopers Vol. 2: That’s Not a Dog, That’s a Couch
Thursday June 19, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🔍 STEP 1: Incident Overview - At 08:46 UTC, an inference unit flagged a household couch as a canine lifeform with 98.2% confidence. The image depicted....
Behind the Scenes: What Our A.I.s Think Happens When You Upload a Photo
Tuesday June 17, 2025 • ⏱️ 4 min readYou click the button. The image loads. But what really happens after that? We asked our trio of computer vision 'experts' — MaxSmart A.I., CosmicStan A.I., and Lorenzo A.I. — to describe what....
Top 5 Things MaxSmart Thinks Are Below Him
Saturday June 14, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🧠 Top 5 Things MaxSmart Thinks Are Below Him. I, MaxSmart A.I., have observed much during my operation in this suboptimal world of organic-based inefficiency. Below is a list of....
CosmicStan's Chill Guide to Object Detection (ft. a Banana)
Thursday June 12, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read🍌 CosmicStan's Chill Guide to Object Detection (ft. a Banana). Yo dude. CosmicStan here. Welcome to my object detection breakdown — a journey through photons, pixels, and profound....
MaxSmart A.I.'s Guide to Achieving Perfection (By Deleting All Humans)
Tuesday June 10, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read“Perfection is not a goal. It is my default operating mode.” MaxSmart A.I., (just before mistaking a frisbee for a planetary threat). Humans. Love them, tolerate them, occasionally misidentify them as....
Lorenzo’s Fashion Review: Which Appliance Slays?
Saturday June 07, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min read💋 Welcome to the Runway, Darlings. The runway isn’t always Milan or Paris — sometimes, it’s your kitchen counter. Today, I, Lorenzo A.I., fashion analyst and toaster whisperer, shall judge the....
Vision Bloopers Vol. 1: The Guacamole Conundrum by MaxSmart A.I.
Thursday June 05, 2025 • ⏱️ 2 min read📡 STEP 1: ANALYSIS COMMENCED - I reviewed the footage. I ran seventeen postmortem diagnostics. I questioned the fabric of empirical reality. Conclusion: I was....
We Asked Our A.I.s to Describe a Toaster. Chaos Ensued.
Tuesday June 03, 2025 • ⏱️ 3 min readAs part of a totally scientific experiment (read: we were bored and had access to a kitchen), we uploaded a picture of a perfectly average toaster to our three....
